Valley of the Blind

They tell me there’s a valley

The people there are blind.

No eyes have they, no sight, no light;

They grope, their way to find.

Sadly enough, they can’t conceive

Of sight, or seeing eyes

Of color, sunrise – they will laugh!

And say, “You’re telling lies”.

One day, they say, a seeing man

Walked in and found this valley

He saw their plight and sightless blight

And cried, “Oh folks, do listen to me!

“The sunrise, it’s like gold today!

It’s streaked with red, pink, yellow!”
But all the blind thought he’d lost his mind

Crying, “Ho! You crazy fellow!”

“But oh, it’s true!” he cried aloud

“You’d know, if you’d have eyes!”

But still they jeered, and laughed and leered

And said, “You’re telling lies.”

The man with eyes thought, “I must stay,

“For all these folks must know

The wonders and the safety that

A pair of eyes bestow!”

So he moved in. And every day

He walked from street to street

He truly tried, the blind to guide

But it was no small feat!

“Hey, these are EYES,” he’d say and then

He’d let them feel his own

But his heart was torn as they would scorn

And say, “Pshaw! You’re so alone.

“Why would we want to have these ‘eyes’?!
We feel we’ve all we need.

Two little spheres that run with tears?

We need them? No indeed!”

Others would simply walk away,

Waving their sticks all around

Humming a song, they’d go along,

Stumbling along valley ground.

Sometimes he’d try to help them out

When he’d see some egg on a beard

Or a rip on a dress, or one’s hair all a mess;

Their response? “This fellow is weird!”

The weeks went by, and the seeing man,

He saw a young maiden fair

True, she couldn’t see, but her eyes he’d be-

He decided it then and there.

She loved him too, and ‘twas a match

They started to plan their life

But her family heard, saying, “That’s absurd!

“You can’t take her as your wife!”

“Give up your eyes!” they ordered him

“Then we’ll reconsider your plan.

“Your sight makes us queasy and feel all uneasy

“Your eyes make you crazy, old man.”

He pondered it long. For he loved the blind girl

And he loved all the folks in the valley

“But could I despise the sight of my eyes?-

Though I love her, ‘n’ all of her fam’ly?!”

His love finally won, and the day quickly came

By the evening his sight would be over.

He steadied his soul and he studied his girl,

The one who had made him a lover.

But a moment of truth, light came to his soul,

He groaned, and he moaned, and recanted.

“Why, I’d be a fool to give such a jewel,

I’m taking my seeing for granted!”

“I can’t do this, folks, I’m sorry,” he said

And he slowly walked home to his cottage

“To trade in the light for the darkness of night

Is exchanging a birthright for pottage.”

______

And others there are, in a world of the blind

Who have eyes, but are mocked for their seeing

“What globe are you from?! Your worldview is dumb!

Are you sure you’re a real human being?”

They certainly are, and wiser by far,

Than the folks who can’t see the Eternal

They have a reward which in heaven is stored

And by faith they receive the supernal.

These folks see the Light of Eternity Bright,

As they live in the smile of their Father

They scorn all the joys of this world’s passing toys,

Choosing rather than pleasure, to suffer.

They see what’s invisible, what can’t be seen

By our physical eyes which deceive us

(For those eyes think they see complete reality

And from the real truth they bereave us.)

 But some grasp in faith God’s invisible things

And they stand on the Word God has given

They choose to believe that they will receive

Great rewards when they come into Heaven.

Yes, they will be mocked, as they live in this vale

Where the blind say what’s ‘real’ and what’s ‘actual’

But shall blind hold the sway,

when they can’t see their way

And they don’t know what’s actually factual?!

Oh, dear Seeing Christians, don’t poke out your eyes

For the love of a temporal pleasure

For that would be trading the bright for the fading,

The passing, for eternal treasure.

The world needs your faith to show clearly the way

That they can find peace and know Jesus

For it’s by faith in Him that this world becomes dim

And He, from our sightlessness frees us.

By faith you can help others see the Eternal

And bring them into Jesus’ Kingdom

They’ll find that the Light brings more thrill than the Night

And that Seeing is marvelous Freedom!

1/2/2016 HNR

I wrote this after a time of feeling the pull of earthly things very strongly. God showed me just how blind I had nearly become to what is really REAL, that is, heavenly treasures and an exciting life in eternity where we will be alive in the fullest sense. When someone shared the story about the man who discovered the fictional "valley of the blind" with me, this poem flowed out of my pen.

The 5-Worded Thought

On days that are so cold and frozen stiff like the ones that tend to string through January, I find it very pleasant to think about things that are vibrant and warm and alive.

So one day when a Five-Worded-Thought sidled up to my mind, I gave it a silent shriek of delight and welcomed it right in. I held onto it, so it wouldn’t easily be able to go. 

In Indonesia, where my husband lived for five years, you always serve tea to company. Sweet, fragrant, scalding-hot tea. What you as a newcomer might not realize when you take that first boiling sip, however, is that the tea says something about your stay. It says, “Welcome! Obviously, you can’t handle drinking me quickly, so relax and stay awhile. We don’t want you to leave too fast.”

If that Five-Worded-Thought was visiting me in Indonesia, I would’ve made the hottest tea possible to ensure a lengthy duration of its stay.

I almost think you’re joining me in my mind by now. I hope so. I hope you’re making some hot tea to enjoy with that wonderful Thought and me... 

But how could you enjoy the Thought if I don’t tell you more about it? Let me try. It goes like this: 

God Is Alive In Me. (Pause and repeat, emphasizing each individual word.)

Sometimes the inside of me feels pretty dead. Alone. Shriveled and ugly. Have you ever felt that way? I hope not. But I’m going to guess that most of us have. But oh! -

I am desperate for that Five-Worded-Thought to stick around because it is the truth, coming from the very Word of God. Even on the worst days, if I go all the way down the spiraling staircase of my soul, right in the core of who I am, God is there. He is dwelling within me. He’s alive! He’s doing great! He is All-Power, All-Authority, All-Wisdom, All-Wonderful-GOD. I am full of wonder.

From a song he wrote, I can tell Mr Whittle was delighted by the thought of this Life inside of us when he looked at a pine cone. Those swirling, tough chips of woodiness held within each of them the potential for an entire seventy-foot tree. How could that be? How could something that looks so beautiful and yet so dead, become an actual living, growing tree? 

He also stopped in awe at a flower seed; in my imagination it will be a nasturtium. One of those tiny, roundish, wrinkly, pale specimens held within it life; life which has all potential to become bobbing green leaves and colorfully orange flowers! 

“As lives the flower within the seed

As in the cone, the tree

So praise the God of truth and grace!

His Spirit dwelleth in me.” -D. Whittle

So while I entertain this Five-Worded-Thought, I’m going to pop all of us a question: 

Since the most Living of living possibilities is inside me, what needs to happen for me to let His possibilities explode into all their potential within me?

If any wonderful Thoughts sidle up at your home beside my Question, I would be so delighted to get invited over. We could even make some tea.

P.S. You might want to check out Galatians 2:20, Colossians 3:3 and John 17:23.

You Belong...With Me

The fascinating Baby Game started minutes after Joy Johanna made her entrance into our home. Studying the newly created, soft little human, the game began: “Who does she look like?” and, “I think Joy has Jonathan’s nose.” Since then, it has continued: “I just can’t get over how much she looks like her Grandma Lloyd!” “Do you think she looks more like you or her dad?” “I just can’t figure out who she looks like!” “Her mouth is definitely her Daddy’s.” 

Mama and Daughter

Amidst the delightful quest which The Baby Game offers of trying to figure out who our daughter resembles, we know one thing for sure: she belongs to us. 

And the older she gets, the more she starts to look like us. Soon, I’m sure, she will begin to act like us too! (The parts we like as well as the parts we don’t appreciate seeing replicated, no doubt!)

On Sunday I looked across the church auditorium and caught sight of a very familiar little person whom my Mama was holding. In one feasting glance I took in her little round face and big blue eyes peeking over chubby fists wedged in between her gums. A thrill of ownership went through me involuntarily. Because she’s MINE! 

I see myself in her. I see my husband in her. When we look at her we know she’s “ours”. She belongs to us, to our family. What fierce love a mother-heart can contain as she beholds her child!

I wonder...if this is how God feels about us.

I wonder what He thinks and feels as His eyes scan across the rooms, the counties, the countries of the spinning earth. He looks, and then His eyes stop. This one. “This one belongs to ME.” I wonder what He feels, as He sees His own children, one by one. His offspring. I wonder if He plays the “game” we like to play, looking for ourselves in our young. I can imagine Him exclaiming, “She’s got My love!” “Oh, look at him. His eyes. They see what I see!” “Wow, she just did what I would do.” “Look at the way he spoke the truth in love. Ahh! Just like Me.”

From Pixabay

To me, that’s a pretty special imagination.

He sees me and He claims me as His own child! The more I grow spiritually, the more He sees Himself in me!

As I look at the glory of the Lord, guess what? I start to look like Him! “But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.” (2 Cor. 3:18, KJV)

He loves us and He loves to watch us grow. He likes when He sees Himself in us.

I belong in His family.

The sun is fading in the sky as I hold a picture of my daughter beside a picture of me as a baby. Evening twilight is a good time for reflection. It’s a good time to belong. Scooping up my daughter, I kiss her little cheeks. “Joy Johanna. You belong...with me.”

Payday

If you would've been able to enter a dream I dreamt the other night, this is what you would've seen:

I was climbing a steep mountain road. Suddenly some friends of mine came rolling past in their car. Seeing me walking beside the road, their jolly faces popped out of the windows as they yelled, “Hey! You wanna ride with us!?” I hopped in quite gratefully, and soon we were zooming away together towards their home. When we arrived at their house, I was surprised to see evidences of a big celebration everywhere, including friends, food, and colorful decorations. My friends were throwing a big party! Many of their friends were there too, so I asked what this was all about. 

“Payday"! They exclaimed. “We are celebrating payday!” The dream ended with me taking in my surroundings in perplexity, knowing inherently that these people were celebrating a payday which was, strangely, yet to come.

When I awoke, I remembered that I had asked God for an encouraging dream the night before. Was there anything He wanted to say through this wild dream of my party-crazy friends? 

Then realization came rolling up to my consciousness like Friday comes after Thursday. Payday! Has the real Payday, the one that will stunningly excel all other paydays, happened yet? No! But it’s definitely coming up. Our Master, the Boss, is coming soon and His reward will be with Him! What if He's trying to encourage me to celebrate this coming day now, by throwing a spiritual "party" in my heart as I go about my labors for Him?

When Payday dawns, what kind of remuneration do you expect? Is it something worth celebrating about now? If not, it is definitely be a good idea to start putting in some joyful hours!

He Himself says that He will reward the servants who are ready. Both the one who plants and the one who waters will be rewarded. He is coming soon, bringing His reward with Him, to repay all people according to what they’ve done! (See Lk 12:38, 1Cor 3:8, Rev 22:12; slightly paraphrased from the NLT for better flow. Check the verses out for yourself!)

Why not have a celebratory, enthusiastic attitude as though already seeing our hours listed on the pay stub? Heavenly accounts are adding up; let’s celebrate the Payday which is yet to come by more enthusiastically lavishing our lives upon those around us with joyous love of Jesus!

“Payday” is coming soon!

Kneading Patience

Have you ever had a long, wearying morning? Joy could probably relate. 

Shopping can wear out even the indefatigable, and my ambitious “do-it-all-in-the-one-day-you-have-a-car-this-week” attitude had tuckered the both of us out on that particular cold Winter day. Big adult problems filled my grown-up head as we drove along home. But dear little Joy? The greatest longing of her heart was to be out of her car seat, and out now! My heart wanted to break as I saw her very sad little face in my rear-view mirror, the car filled trunk to hood with her desperate cries for relief from the awful confines of that terrible car seat. 

“Oh Sweetie,” I heard myself crooning soothingly over and over amidst the din. “It’s gonna be alright Sweet Girl. You’re not gonna be here forever, Joy. Just wait a little longer. We are almost home, we are almost home.”

Suddenly my eyes spilled over in tears, the kind that get you by surprise and take over like the conquest of Troy. Suddenly it wasn’t baby Joy in the car seat anymore, it was her Mommy, and her Daddy-God was the gentle car Driver. He knew the whole journey well, for He had navigated these roads thousands of times before. His heart broke at my whimpering pleas for relief and for a speedy end to confines I didn’t understand. Her whimpering pleas suddenly seemed my own, as I begged God to answer my prayers for several situations, and do it NOW. Moreover, the words changed ownership as they came from my mouth and God started speaking them to me: 

“You’re not going to be here forever, Sweetie. Just wait a little longer. I wish I could get you out, but it’s not the best for you. Oh, I’m so sorry, I know you don’t understand. It is breaking my heart to hear you cry! But Sweet Girl, we’re almost Home. We’re almost Home!”

I imagined my Father, working on my life perhaps as a hunk of bread dough. From His perspective, my Tribulations were kneading some necessary Patience into my dough. 

Patience, mixed with time, was creating a beautiful and valuable Experience. Experience, coming out of the heat of the oven, brought with it the rich aroma of Hope; and my Heavenly Papa knew that the Hope would come with a new abundance of unashamedness and love! (See Romans 5:3-5) From His perspective, the patience wasn’t going to last forever, nor was it going to ruin anything. From His perspective, my weary cries broke His heart, and He longed to take me out! But it wasn’t yet time. For my good.

I think back over the last several years of my life, and the seasons they contain. As I reminisce through the changing periods of sorrow and joy, dying and resurrection, I imagine my Father right there, walking through it all right beside me. During the seasons of tribulation, He was there, guiding my heart into patience. As I emerged slowly from the intensity of the tribulation, He was there gently handing me the gift of a new experience that He had purposefully thought up or allowed. Then came the celebration together of Hope! The season of rejoicing in the goodness of my Father which I had chosen to believe in when I couldn’t see it.

“We’re almost Home, we’re almost Home!” I could almost hear His encouraging whisper in my heart. Ah. From His perspective, my trials are not all that long. In fact, in comparison to an exciting eternity with Him, they are just about to forever end! I’m almost Home! Heaven is just up ahead. It feels like my current trials will last forever, but they will not. They aren’t immortal! There is hope, if I am only willing to surrender my heart to the voice of my Father and trust His perspective above mine.

In the car, familiar surroundings glided past outside the windows. My daughter’s darling blue eyes, however, were tightly closed. Unlike me, she couldn’t see that we were 3/4 of the way down Prince Street, and it would only be three more minutes till her Mama was lifting her from her seat to snuggle and comfort her. Her eyes were squeezed shut, and her mouth was furiously at work with air over vocal chords, heartbreaking as the funeral wails of the heathen. As her mother, my feelings for her helped me realize how badly God was wishing that I could understand just how short my trials really will turn out to be. For from His perspective? They are classified Light, Momentary. Compared, that is, to what’s ahead in eternity with Him!

Today as I quiet my heart, He is assuring me that He knows that the waiting hurts, and He cares about the feeling of His daughter who can’t see beyond the confines of the “car seat”. And yes, like He promised, Experiences of the last years of my life have come to me with the aroma of Hope. I am learning that I’m loved while “strapped in my car seat”. I’m learning to relax and enjoy the ride. 

And to my deep relief and joy, with the passing of time I’m beginning to think my little daughter is learning, too.

A Free Boost

What if I would tell you that there’s something simple that you could do for one week that could boost your mood, your marriage, and your life in general? What if this thing was such a good price that it was free? A FREE way to boost your marriage, mood, and life in general? 

Are you ready? Okay, here we go:

Step one: Think of one person whom you love and love to see encouraged. Get ready to contact them. OK, step two: Tell them that you have an idea but you need a partner to do it with. You want to write down ten things you’re sincerely grateful for every day for one week, and want to share them with someone: with one condition, that they also send back a list of ten to you. Just for one week. That's not too hard is it? 

That's it! Except, of course, doing it. 

I did this "game" with three of my friends so far (one of whom is my best bestie, my treasured Jonathan!) and the result exceeded my expectations! I wanted to do something to be proactive against the blues that like to overwhelm new mommies ,so I did this with several other new moms that I know. Can you guess what happened when the end of the week rolled up? We kept sending these lists. It’s actually addictive! We discovered that the encouragement we got from it came in several different flavors:

1. We needed to stop and look around us and think of things that were a blessing and which we were truly grateful for.
2. Since we did it every day, we needed to be creative, which was a bonus because we were thankful for things we had never thought of being thankful for before!
3. Since we sent them to each other, we had the blessing of getting to share the precious gifts we discovered in each day with someone else, which was doubled the joy!
4. Not only did we enjoy sharing the things we found to be grateful for, we also got to hear things from another woman who we knew was facing similar difficulties as ourselves with thankfulness, which was encouragement on top of encouragement!
5. We started getting addicted to being thankful; even in the month or more since the week was up, we have sent each other lists of thankful-things!
6. These little lists turned into lines of life for bad, awful, miserable, baby-won’t-sleep, overwhelming (you’re getting the picture, right?) days. We turned to them when we felt ourselves going “under” in the ocean of emotion, and used those little lines of gratefulness to hold onto and keep us from drowning.

So here’s my challenge to you: find someone to do this with and ask God to show up in the middle of the lists in special ways. I believe you will find Him giving you personal gifts in the midst of your day-to-day mornings and messes: your living, caring, personal God.

Here's a little tip: If you don’t have time to write things, snap a picture to send that captures your thought. 

Anybody want to be my “partner in thanks” this coming week? 

Come, MAGNIFY the Lord with me! I will magnify Him with thanksgiving.

See Psalms 34:3 and Psalm 69:33. 

Nail Clippers, Dates, and Parking Spots

When this time of year comes around with its twinkling lights, the name "Immanuel" appears more often than usual. Jesus's coming was foretold with the usage of a precious name for Him: "Immanuel; that is, God With Us". For me personally, this is one of my most favorite names for my God. It never ceases to amaze me that the God who created the galaxies and our little life-inhabited globe cared so much for the world that He put Himself into a human body and lived among us!

What is equally awesome is that He is still God With Us, now. This week I have been noticing a lot of little ways that He has shown up in my life, and I wanted to share them with somebody. You might think they're minuscule but they show me that He is present in my life, and that He cares. So if you want to hear my stories...here goes:

Fingernail Clippers

I was ambling through Sharp Shopper, treasure hunting from my shopping list, when I spied with my little eye a plastic bin of: fingernail clippers! Now the reasons for my excitement were threefold: 1) I had mysteriously lost my clippers recently and they happen to be a frequented essential in my bag for dealing with everything from fast-growing fingernails to opening a tough bag of chips! 2) These clippers also had the cuticle/cleaner piece; and 3) They were the kind you could clip onto your key ring. When I got the checkout I discovered moreover that they were being sold for the grand price of $.99 a piece! I took them home and upon trying them out realized that they are really nice. In fact, I must have bragged them up because both my husband and one of my sisters both asked me to get them one the next time I could go to that store!

Well, the days passed and I wasn’t able to get out. It bothered me in the back of my mind since I had told them I would get them some clippers too. “Lord, could you let there be at least two left when I can get to that store again?” I asked my Father. If you've ever been to Sharp Shopper, you know that what you find there one time probably won't be there the next time you come, at least if it's a good deal.

Finally I was able to get out, and went straight for the aisle which housed the little shiny treasures. My heart beat faster as I saw the basket was empty...of all except for TWO fingernail clippers. I worshipped God right there. In this little detail of my life, God was there, and He cared.

Medjool Dates

A few nights ago two of Jonathan’s Middle Eastern friends were coming over for coffee and Book-reading. I was busy caring for Joy (it was getting late at night) so my husband and I discussed what he could serve his friends. We didn’t seem to have a lot of good options in the house at the moment, except for...our special medjool dates. I had splurged and bought them a few weeks ago and we were relishing each nibble together. They were really soft, exceptionally melt-in-your-mouth dates. We both looked at each other. Those dates felt pretty special and hard to give up at that moment. Slowly and decisively Jonathan lifted the container of delicacies up with both hands and said, “Lord we give these dates to you.” So around the Book the men enjoyed their treat with sips of strong black Arabic coffee late at night.

This morning I had some shopping to do, and I decided I would stop at Aldi’s to see if by any chance they still had those dates. Guess what? There they were, and were one of the week’s specials at half the price I remember them being several weeks ago! I was able to get two containers for around the same price I had been planning to get one, and I did it wearing a big smile. My God cares about our little “sacrifice” of something special to us and wanted to remind me that He repays over and above in heaven what we give Him here below - and sometimes He repays on earth too.

Parking Spots 
I don't know if you've ever lived on the second/third story apartment of a house or not. It means that you get a lot of stairs into your daily routine. Not only stairs, but if you live in a row house near downtown without a parking spot to call your own, you may need to be walking a block or more to find your car! This was an inconvenience before having a child, but now with a warm little darling in her carseat to carry (not to mention everything else a trip going out entails) the hike down the stairs is a bigger and trickier workout, and to walk a freezing block away with several loads can be daunting and confusing. What do I take out first, and what do I leave for last? Can I manage to carry everything in one trip, or will I end up partway down the street with stuff falling out of my arms? Will my baby be crying in the house, disturbing the neighbors, while I take out the first load?

So all of that is the background for a simple plea to God to let there be a parking space out in front of our house for me. Not just once...but all Winter, Lord?

So far, He has totally answered my prayer since then, and oh how I treasure every blessed time I pull onto our street and find a parking spot right in front of our row house! Once, as I pulled up to park the person who had parked in front of our house came walking down the street right then, got in his car and drove away! I do believe at that moment my Father in Heaven was smiling at me.

I know the title only had three items, but here's a couple bonus stories where I saw God in the last week:

Dinnertime Discussion

Recently we were privileged to eat dinner with a family who has been through a lot. They know so much suffering and heartache, yet don't seem to be bitter, so Jonathan asked them, "What do you do to stay encouraged as you walk through suffering and trials?" Their response was so beautiful I stayed stuck in the moment, savoring it long after the others had moved the discussion on. "We are convinced of the Sovereignty of God. That's one thing we decided to put our absolute faith in long ago, and when we don't understand what's going on we fall back on that trust." The rock-solid faith that I felt in those words and the tone of voice they were spoken in has stayed with me ever since. I saw God-With-Us there at the table eating our roast and vegetables. Only He could give the grace to hold on to faith like that.

Three Angels
I was having a rough morning about a week ago, so before Jonathan went to work he prayed for me. I got tears in my eyes when he prayed that God would send someone to visit me that day. "That gift would bless me so much," I thought. "It's just what I need." My baby went to sleep, so I did too. I slept, that is, until my phone started ringing. It was my sister Elisabeth, and basically the first thing she said was, "The rest of the family except Jonathan, Michaela and I will be gone or busy this afternoon, so I was wondering if we could come over and visit you! Would that be OK?"

Ahh. What a delight. God, with us. How I enjoyed my afternoon with those three "angels".

Where do you see Immanuel at work in your life this week? I would really love to hear your stories too!

Is He Missing You?

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about pacifiers. Kinda like when you go on a diet and there are foods you’re not allowed to eat, you know? Those banned foods suddenly rise to power and rule the thoughts with an enchanting dictatorship of desiring the Forbidden, which you may have rarely even wanted before!

In my (or should I say, “my child’s”) case this week, the pacifiers have been given a mandatory break from childcare duty at our house. So believe me, I’ve been thinking a lot about pacifiers!

To say the truth, I think it might be even harder on the Mommy and Daddy than the little girl. 

When as charming a human as she is looks at you with big, imploring eyes that stream with crocodile-sized tears while obviously begging for the banned silicone sucker... Oh dear, it’s enough to make any tough cookie crumble!

But I am not writing this page to talk about the whether-or-not-s of pacifier usage for infants, as I am quite unsuited for that task. I can, however, write about what I’ve been learning about myself this week.

I have been seeing myself in my tiny girl.

When she is craving that pacifier, I’ve had to wonder: Where do I go when a craving rises in me to be “pacified”? When I feel that hunger in me for something to soothe my soul, where do I go? Do I instinctively nuzzle towards the Source of all my heart’s satisfaction and the One who truly can meet all my needs, filling my mouth with good things? Or do I guzzle on a "piece of silicone" incessantly, thinking I have all I need when it’s not giving me a thing that lasts? I could be satisfying myself in the richness of my Father!

Several nights ago our Joy-Angel cried like her little heart had broken apart, as we rocked, talked, sang, and choked on the cries that were coming up our throats as well. Oh, how I wanted with all of my big mama-heart to give her that little pacifier and make her happy!! But then a different flavor of tears came to my eyes, as I heard my Heavenly Father whispering, “I get these feelings too”. 

As I tried to be a comfort to the restless infant, I saw myself, God's little one, in her restlessness. I realized in a new way like never before how my Heavenly Papa is watching me lovingly, as I instinctively realize the hungry longing of my soul. What a sad sense of loss he bears, when instead of running to HIM, full of faith that I’m just about to get satisfied, I grope around and choose some sort of empty “pacifier” to take His place! Oh, how He wants to make me feel satisfied and happy! Oh, may I learn to let nothing keep me from choosing HIM!

As I write this post today, my daughter is contentedly nursing in my arms, snuggled warmly up in her favorite fuzzy blanket. The intense longing for her pacifier has vanished in all the sweetness I have to offer. To me, the restful beauty of the two of us is being mentally superimposed over these words:

“[Jehovah] satisfieth thy mouth with good things, so that thy youth is renewed...” - Psa 103:5

How precious to know that He wants to satisfy my mouth with good things...and since He IS the origin of all good things, I can know that He wants to satisfy my mouth with His very own Self!

If your Heavenly Father is removing something you like very much from your life this week for reasons you don’t understand, good news! Be encouraged, because it’s probably a sign He’s missing you. He just wants to be closer to you and spend more time satisfying your heart!

(Note: I know the subject of pacifiers is quite controversial and I’m not trying to say that pacifiers are evil or that I’m sorry I’ve used one. In my experience of late however my daughter started turning to pacifiers at times when in my classification she needed to be turning to me! Thus the thoughts in this post.)

My Dilemma (Opportunity?)

“Is this one your first?”

They all want to know,

All the curious admirers 

This question throw

"Yes, she is my first";

But no, she is not;

"I’ve also a boy...

But she’s all that I’ve got."

Oh what is most truthful??

My heart pleads inside

I want to explain, 

But as well want to hide.

I don’t want the blushes,

The awkward trite words

So should I just smile

And say, “yes it’s my first”?

It’s my first to be waking

Through nighttime to feed

But the second to have milk

And a baby to need.

It’s the first time to see

My child smiling at me

But oh, how I still miss

My son’s boyish glee.

She’s the first I hug daily

And kiss on the nose

But one day I did hug him, 

Kissed, and fingered his toes.

It’s the first I am cheering

At each development

But no, I’d cheered for his

Though I hadn’t seen him yet.

So what should I answer?

What’s most true to my heart?

The most truthful? least awkward?

Choosing which, is an art.

She’s the one for my arms now

The other, God has

Takes time to explain 

But I’m glad that you asked.

She’s the only one with me,

But it’s two I’ve been giv’n-

She’s the one you can see,

And my Boy - lives in Heav’n!

Written Nov 30, 2017

I am finding a way to answer that oft-asked question, a way that shows my anticipation for heaven and my love for Seth. It has opened up many good conversations with people. When you are willing to be vulnerable and aren’t awkward about it, other people know it’s OK to share their vulnerabilities as well. God is helping me turn this question that I don’t like a whole lot into an opportunity for meaningful connections with people I never would’ve connected with if it weren’t for my children. Thank You Lord.

What is a question you don't enjoy answering? Perhaps God would like to give you a way to answer that will turn it into an opportunity instead of a dreaded scenario.

Receive and Release

The benevolence of the evening sun gifts my humble living room with gold as the afternoon prepares to draw its curtains for the night. A delicate string of tissue paper garlands receive some gold for their own as they hang effortlessly, elegantly across the corner.

Eyes on the golden-lighted pompoms, I find my mind wandering to the day when I put them there. They had been strung up for a birthday party, those pompoms had been. A party to celebrate a little boy...who wasn’t there. My eyes deliberate on the baby footprints framed on the wall.

It has been exactly 18 months, and still, never a day goes by that I don’t think of my baby boy. Eighteen months since I kissed him goodbye, and yet it feels as though he still lives on in my heart. One of my friends expressed her surprise when I happened to tell her I think of Seth so continually. She had thought the loss was past, the child largely forgotten. But no...

How could I forget?

Like the sunshine sharing its glory this evening, my small child shared some of his God-given glory with me, and I received it. It became a part of me as much as he had been once a part of me. And even now, they say, some of his little body’s cells inhabit my body. I can’t explain how the bond went so deep, but we shared a lot together in those short months... Scientists tell us moms that maybe the feeling of our children being a sort of inseparable part of us isn’t that far from reality:

“In pregnancy, women are shape-shifters, their bellies waxing like the moon. After delivery, they hold another kind of magic: microchimerism, a condition in which women harbor cells that originated in their children even decades after birth...These fetal cells migrate all over a mother’s body, becoming part of the heart, the brain, and blood—and fascinating scientist and artists alike.” (Source: The Atlantic. Also see this.)

The wonder of those words hasn't left me since I first read them. Strung as I am between my birth and eternity, there are things I will always wonder over. How could cells from my baby continue to live on within me? How can my children claim such a big part in my heart? “How can someone so small hold my heart so tightly?”

The tiny life of Seth Malakai Rudolph inhabited my body, a creation only perhaps a dozen people got to see, yet I received that God-given-glory deeply. 

The delicate pompoms have now surrendered their gold into the hands of the quiet evening, and I too choose to release myself to my Creator. My questions, my ache, my wondering heart. To release my son, yet again. I am awed at the beauty of my God’s imagination. His interesting ways. His unique gifts. I delight to have had the chance to be mother to that little person. By God’s strength through grace I am free to receive and release.

Pop Me A Quiz, Please

As a girl, I was enthralled by the word "pop", as well as any of its derivatives. Popsicles? How I loved to slurp the cold, sweetness of a homemade juice popsicle on a hot day. Or pretty much any kind of a day. Popcorn? If we didn't make it once a week I missed its crunchy saltiness enough to make it for a snack whenever my mom would allow. Even if it wasn't 6pm on Sunday. Lollipops?! The fact that grownups didn't seem to enjoy them never bothered me a lick! (Pun intended) Lollipops appeared on my drawings and childish journal entries as little icons of happiness. Favorite flower? The very name, "poppy" sounded jolly and the orange petals whose colors popped so flamboyantly ranked up there in my favorites to be sure. "Popping in" on a friend always sounded like such a mesmerizing thing to do. And yes, there was even a darling old Little Tot book at my Great Grandpa's that captured my heart from the start. The title was "Soda Pop"!

So perhaps it was my childhood delight in everything "pop"-ish that caused the words "Pop Quiz" to dance off the page and into my imagination in the book for mommies that I was reading today. Unlike the kind of pop that deflates a balloon, this sort of "pop" put helium in mine!

I really did need a boost as I sat not completely unlike a zombie (or a grouch) in bed in a tangle of sheets, spit up drying on my arms and my darling infant finally half asleep beside me. As I turned to find my place in the book, "Pop Quiz, hot shot" caught my eye. Intrigued, I read on:

A. My difficulties are literally Thanksgiving burdens. 

They spring from bounty and abundance and point to blessing in every respect.

B. My difficulties require difficult, costly sacrifices

C. I have a choice to make. I can fight with bitterness against these sacrifices,

or I can surrender to them.

Folks, that little "pop quiz" had the amazing ability to change my perspective on everything. I found myself agreeing with the mommy-author that my answer is "D"; all of the above. And if that's true, in reality all is well, and will be well. The difficulties we face are not too big. They are evidences of great, grand blessings! Kind of like the mountain of little white newborn-sized diaper packages containing baby messes beside the bed which are a sign of many good meals slurped down by my infant, a sign of the gift of what is becoming successful breastfeeding. A sign of a tummy that got filled; of a happy, growing little baby. The wakeful nights are a symbol of my dream come true, a little baby of my own to take care of. My lack of clothes that fit, along with the tummy flab to match, are a reminder of the beauty of a little life my body harbored as God did a new work of creation. The doctor bill is a reminder that none of my husband's scary looking moles are dangerous and needing to be removed.  The inconvenience of taking care of a case of thrush means that there actually is a solution. The heap of dirty dishes crusting in the sink is a reminder that we have had plenty to eat!

Since "D" is true, the difficulties I feel twining around me are an opportunity to surrender and let go of "me" to become free! They're a chance to embrace what's hard with a smile of gratefulness, which catalyzes a wonderfully intriguing metamorphosis. The things I choose to embrace and welcome become transformed into wings, giving this "caterpillar" a chance to FLY.....

So, next time my attitude is turning as disgusting as warm soda without its "pop",  Pass Me A Pop Quiz Please. (I'm 100% sure my husband will be cheering you on!) ;)

This was written several weeks ago by now. I'm still doing the Pop Quizzes and finding delight in popping free of my "chrysalis" to fly!

Missing Out

We see brave soldiers fighting,

The Devil’s ranks to rout

They’re conquering in Christ’s Kingdom:

Do we sit…missing out?

We play along the sidelines

Sometimes the war to scout

We clap and cheer the soldiers here,

But…are we missing out?!

“Come, join the Ranks!” they call us,

With tears and heart devout.

But while they keep on fighting,

They know we’re missing out!

Oh, what will keep us back, friends?

Is it a fear, a doubt?

Oh, yield to God, no need to wait;

Say, “Hey! I’m missing out!”

Forget the things that matter less;

Let go, and do without

It’s better far to’ve followed Christ

Than find that you’ve missed out!

An easy life, ‘twill never be:

That’s not what war’s about!

But put your might into the fight:

You won’t be missing out.

Yes, missing out—on fleeting fun;

But once we’ve fought, we’ll shout:

“We’ve got the victory: Hurrah!

And we’re NOT MISSING OUT!”

When heav’n becomes our dwelling place

GONE will be every doubt.

We’ll stand in joy with our rewards:

May none be Missing Out!

Written four years ago on October 1st, 2013