Already Wearing Princess Clothes

The cheap clothing store was large, and my enemy stood at my side, convincingly unrelenting. His immense hatred for me hid behind a hideous, roguish laugh. "This one fits you perfectly," he jeered, as he pulled a gaudy, space-alien-green outfit from off its hanger. Across the back I could see the words emblazoned in an orange the color of traffic cones: "PANIC". My heart froze and skipped a beat and then started up again in a frenzy. What did I know but that it actually did fit me perfectly. I resisted the urge to scream, partly from frustration and desperation, partly from the terror of realizing my enemy was actually on the side of truth. I watched reluctantly as he put the gaudy fabric into my cart.

A few paces down the aisle, my enemy stopped again. I tried not to look and simply mind my own business, however his guffaw made me turn my head involuntarily. A hideous black coat was in his hands this time. "What do you think of this?" He asked. Compelled to reply, I stated, "Awful. Simply awful and ugly." "I know, isn't it." He agreed, in a hatefully amiable fashion. "It's a pity that it matches your personality so well. You deserve to wear this one every day! It would be showing your true 'colors', you know. Like you always want to do." The very aura of the coat emanated Depression, so there was little need for the way that word was pasted across the chest like suffocation. It went into my cart as well.

...Along with a corset called "Fear of Man", and a shawl called "Shame"...

This is the spot my husband found me in recently. No, not in a thrift store with someone hounding my shopping, but when he painted the above picture for me I knew that's exactly how it felt. I was out "clothing shopping" when I already had a wardrobe of finery that outshone any thrifted garments I could hope to find.

I was coming away from experiences of the day wearing hideous outfits that suffocated me, made me ashamed, made me despair. How did they get on?? I wondered. How did I get conned into this?

It all started with an agreement with a Liar.

It all started with going into enemy territory

It all started with blindness to the completeness and beauty of what I already had to wear and who I really am.

"You gotta leave the store!" My husband said imploringly. "You can't afford to even agree with your enemy on one thing for one second! You're already wearing princess clothes! You already have on the gown of Love and the robe of perfect Righteousness! You're already beautiful!"

"It FEELS like the other suggested clothes actually fit me, like they are the wardrobe that is the most natural," I replied hesitatingly, wanting to believe the beauty of his words.

But it's a lie. It's an optical illusion, that panic or depression, fear of man or shame are a perfect fit for me. It's not seeing who I really am. It's agreeing with a feeling, a half truth, a deception, a Liar.

I am beautifully clothed. I am loved. I am righteous. I am a daughter, not an alien foreigner. I belong to God. I belong. I'm not naked; He's got me covered. He's longing for me to agree with Him! It's simple...I can agree with the Liar or with the Truth about who Jesus Christ has made me to be. My new self, the gift God gave me through Christ, is clothed and in her right mind!

Come on, let's get out of the "clothing store". I'm heading for the palace, the King's home, where I belong.

It's Got An Expiration Date

A couple weeks ago you could've found me standing on a chair, organizing my little pantry. Don't scold me...how else am I supposed to reach the top shelf?! In the process of elimination (finding stuff in the pantry that was no longer fit to be there) I came across an ugly old can that read "collard greens". Now, someone had blessed me with this low-sodium gift three grand years ago (can't remember who it was so if it was you, thank you for the inspiration) and I have never gotten the urge to try them yet. Given the fact that we let people stay in our house for several months two different times while we were gone and that can never disappeared, I can deduct that I'm not the only one who found my appetite distracted by the pale photo on the wrapper depicting a dish that looked like it was supposed to be tremendously healthy but admittedly disgusting. In my fervor of cleaning, I picked up this eye-sore and was hit with an inspiration. There's got to be an expiration date somewhere on here! Surely, by now, this half-dented can has lived it's life out and needs no further time to sit patiently taking up room in my little cupboard! Eagerly, I rolled the can around in my hand, hunting for that date; however, to my chagrin it read some future moment in 2018!

I won't tell you what happened to the collard greens, but it reminds me of what someone else told me recently:

"All your problems have an expiration date."

I've been thinking about that. Now, for me, I wish I could roll myself around till I could see exactly when the expiration date of these problems might be, but I've been given clues that it's within the next 2-3 weeks. What problems might I have? Lately it's been hard for me to get up off the floor when I somehow get down there. I wake in the night to feel piercing leg cramps. I want to snuggle with my husband and find that I can't seem to get comfortably close. I can no longer tie my own shoes. Certain smells of perfectly fine food nauseate me from deep within. My skin is stretching so much that if I didn't have a clue as to expiration dates I would find it quite alarming. I huff and puff like a train when I'm trying to do normal things. As you can see, I have some current handicaps.

However, they are telling me that my problems will meet their glorious expiration date one day soon, whereafter I will be free! Free to let them go and free to feel like a new person. (Doesn't that sound like a fun experience!)

This whole subject reminds me of something. Curious? Well I'm thinking about it that you don't have to be pregnant to have problems that come with an expiration date. No matter how ugly the problem, no matter how nasty its wrapper, there is a date coming for you, when the problem will expire and you will get to give it a merry "GOODBYE" as you become FREE! Free at last. 

One day before too long, Jesus will return. Or one day, we will get to go and live with Him before He returns. That will be The Day!! The day that the collard greens roll into the trash can! (So to speak. My apologies to lovers of canned collard greens.) The Day that we get to trade in our problems for our rewards, for our Overcomer badges. Sure, some of our problems will meet their end long before we get to That Day, however this life will always leave us with problems of some kind or the other taking up space in our life's "cupboard". 

Take heart! The expiration date on your very hardest, most distressing and handicapping problems is coming up, and what feels like it will last forever itself will expire, leaving YOU free to revel in your lasting conquerors crown and celebration! The day our problems expire once and for all, we will get a brand new kind of life to live.

Maybe This is What it Feels Like

I sat in a plastic chair at the side of the sidewalk, holding a slice of pizza on a triangle of cardboard, nibbling away. It was my second day in Jerusalem, and there was so much to see and take in around me. But as interesting as the Israeli rabbis and Hasidic Jews buying their lunch along the busy street were, something else caught my attention and imagination, up and away. “There must be a store for buying baby things or else an OBGYN office down the street,” My intellect said to my heart as I tried to eat my pizza. Thing was, my flat-yet-flabby-belly seemed so…so empty. Woman after pregnant woman strolled past me, chit-chatting with her friends, pushing baby strollers, waddling their big round bellies full of life down the street. Why was I so mesmerized by the sight? Why did my heart ache so much? My mind tried to stay busy, taking in the fascinations of town, the unfamiliar sound of Hebrew sentences, the smells and sights. But the pregnant ladies passing by every other minute had my heart.

What did they feel, as they strolled along, rubbing the large roundness of Baby within them? What would it be like to be That Pregnant Mama? What would it feel like to have only a short time left and then, the advent of a baby to my arms? What would it be like to linger over little baby clothes and be filled only with the feelings of eager anticipation, rather than the dull ache of remembering a tiny rough coffin in a nearby country, where a never-to-be-forgotten part of me was laying, buried under the dirt? Oh, the longing to ask That Pregnant Mama, what does it feel like to be you?? I long for that fullness in my womb, that satisfaction of being a safe place for a little child; that swelling of mommy-pride at the intensity of a strong kick from within!

_________________________________

Today, I look down at my belly. Just a little over one year has passed since the day I sat trying to swallow pizza and grief all in the same gulping motion. Today, my belly is big and round. Maybe this is what it feels like.

The fingers, toes, knees and elbows that jab and tickle, somersault and wiggle within me. The anticipation of the day I will get to meet my second child for the first time. Will she have brown eyes? Or will they be like her Daddy’s, which are always changing in their shades of green and blue and grey? Will she smile the day she is born, or will she mostly just cry a lot or look around with wide open eyes between naps? Will she nurse like it’s an instinct or will it come with sweat and tears? Will she be five-and-a-half-pounds like I was at birth, or will she be bigger, maybe seven-and-a-half, or more? Will she have her Daddy’s thin, wide smile or my thicker lips? Will she resemble any of her aunts or uncles very much? Will she look at all like her older brother Seth? Will she suck her thumb? Will she sleep at night? Will I have enough clothes for her in three months when she grows out of her abundance of newborn sizes? What will it feel like to be my “normal” size again? On the other hand, will I ever be that size again? Will anything in my closet fit me in a week or two? I can’t wait to share my little one with our families! Oh dear, I am feeling so hungry I can hardly think...

Maybe this is what it feels like, to be That Pregnant Mama.

As I remember back to the scene in Jerusalem which I described earlier and look at the hope blooming in me today, I am marveling at the miracle of new life. New delight and hope. God saw the longings of that grieving, weeping Mama-Heart and wept with me, while simultaneously making plans to allow me the privileged experience of being a pregnant mama again. It's so precious to realize that He was there with me. And the same God is here with me now, inhabiting this very September day.

I still grieve the loss of my firstborn and find myself in puddles of tears with the ache. With time however, the crumbles of brokenness can break into joy. It is possible to allow God’s sentinel of Faith to come up and stand in your soul where you can only see sadness and painful shards of your heart just now. Possible to imagine peering into this sadness of your soul someday, marveling at the past and current presence of the God in whom you decided to invest your trust. It's OK to dare to thank Him for the present brokenness as well as what He is dreaming for the future. 

Maybe this is what it feels like to swell with the trust and hope of seeing the goodness of God.

"Everything Passes"

"Let nothing trouble you; let nothing frighten you.
For everything passes, but God will never change.
Patient endurance will obtain everything.
Whoever has God, wants [lacks] for nothing at all.
God alone is enough.
God alone is enough.
Whoever has God, wants [lacks] for nothing at all."
-John Michael Talbot

https://youtu.be/phBB54jB7QE

Smack-dab in the middle of these current days, my heart has been soothed into deep assurance of the presence of the Lord and His perspective on this time through that song. I need those words right now. It's incredible how there are so many things that want to tempt my heart into unrestful ponderings and frightened imaginations. For me right now, there is the upcoming birth of our baby, due to arrive at any point in time in the next three (hopefully not four) weeks. My world is about to change! Our life will never be the same again. Am I ready? What will the birth be like? Will there be any complications or will everything go smoothly? Do I have everything I need? And, the most unnerving question of all, am I ready for life after birth?

I doubt anybody can be totally prepared for having another human being joining their home. True, I am much more ready now than I was a month or a week ago, but yet we have never actually met this person yet, and have so much to learn about life with her.

God is reminding me in His calm, restful way that everything passes; impending labor and birth...the following days and weeks of so much to learn and so many firsts...even the nights strung out in a looming marathon of staying up with a crying or hungry baby. Everything passes; but GOD will never change. As I sit here with my whopping belly, marveling at all the change I am experiencing in this one season of my life, the realization that my God will never change is like the feeling I get when I'm swimming and worn out, ready to collapse...and I let my toes sink...to feel solid ground beneath down under the water. Ahhh. I can stand. I can suck in a strengthening gulp of air; I can relax.

In just a few weeks, this long, long (llloooonnnnnnggg) season of pregnancy will be over. I can't be pregnant forever. I will be looking back on this time very soon. Even if I would have to face something unexpectedly difficult in this time, it too will be something I look back on one day. God will never change. He is faithful. We can rely and rest all our weight on His unfailing love. (see Psalm 33:18, NLT) I am sinking my soul into the restful steadiness I see in God. From His perspective, this is a season that will pass, and from His perspective, I'm going to be OK.

Wondering

I wonder…what it would be like to have lived a life without any pain, darkness; what it would be like to never have had tragedy’s black streak catapult across my life. I wonder…what it would be like to never have had my firstborn son be taken moments after leaving my womb away, away, far-far-away to a place where I cannot visit even when my heart is breaking with longing. I wonder what I would be like...

I wonder….what it would be like to go through this pregnancy I’m in right now without the tormenting emotions of self-doubt screaming,

“MAYBE YOU CAN’T DO THIS LIKE OTHER NORMAL WOMEN CAN! Maybe your womb is the contradiction of all things motherly and nurturing and will dump this little child too! Maybe your womb will refuse to carry your precious child before she can breathe or open her eyes on her own! Perhaps ‘incompetent, insufficient woman’ is a better name for you.” 

Oh, I wonder what it would be like to live without ever knowing the haunting of those ugly, ubiquitous thoughts… I wonder what it would be like to carry and give birth to children without a second thought as to your own competence and ability to do what every woman has been unmistakably made to do... I wonder.

I wonder what it would be like to have perfect health and never ever need to wonder if today you will feel strong and capable or if some little stress will overload you and you’ll end up melted on the couch, a weeping, confused and overwhelmed puddle of humanity.

I wonder…what it would be like to hear the happy twittering of summer birdsongs and not feel a pang of weeping loss that a darling little son so much like your husband is not there to giggle in the joy of the moment with you. I wonder…what it would be like to have had the desire of my heart completely fulfilled and our family on earth begun with the boy I longed for. I wonder what it would be like now, to watch him trying to take his first steps, crawling around my house, tasting watermelon and strawberries and pumpkins for the first time, making his daddy and I bubble over with sheer joy at his little accomplishments. I wonder.

I wonder…what it would be like to have no one in our little family already in heaven. No one already there to be ready to welcome us…home… I wonder how we would find time to look forward to all that Jesus is preparing for us in heaven if we didn’t have such a precious treasure living there already. I wonder how the ‘things that are above’ would lose their tangibility if we didn’t have a family member enjoying them this very moment.  And what it would be like to have never experienced the intense longing to see with my own eyes the comforting, contagiously victorious expression on the face of Jesus that can only be experienced through intense loss and grief? I wonder…what it would be like to face the future in the deficit of experiencing intense tribulation which in process of day after day, week after month after year gave the hard-earned gift (yes, GIFT) of patience.

I wonder what it would be like to be so strong in my own physical strength that I would never have even had the opportunity to feel desperately dependent upon the nature and resources of my God. I wonder what it would be like to mother a little girl without ever having gone through the pain of losing a child which gives you the gift of treasuring little children oh, so much more… I wonder what it would be like to become a mother without God having spoken over and over, in simple straightforward talk, that HE is the One that needs to be competent here and I am the one who has all I need in HIM alone… I wonder.

What do you wonder?

At the Gate

The time was set; the End had come

Earth’s battles fierce had just been won!

Heav’n’s Kingdom’s rule had just begun;

God’s people gathered to come home.

We all were there, expectantly,

Yet some had doubts, or fears, it seemed;

For as we looked up towards Heav’n’s Gate

We saw that questions chose our fate.

“When I am scrutinized, will I

The tests come past with colors high?

Or will I go to endless mourn

In deepest darkness, pain and scorn?”

These thoughts were deep; I wondered too

But then with clarity I knew:

Christ’s blood is all my Confidence!

Naught else could be a sure defense.

I knew I’d lived my life for Him,

In faith, not sight, earth’s treasures dim

And of my sins I’d honest been

In sight of God, and sight of men.

“Praise for the Blood!” I said with joy

“No need for any other ploy;

Christ’s blood has washed it all away!

No need for fears here on this day!”

The time drew near; our time was here!

My bro was first, his answer clear.

“I trust in Christ the best I know;

He’s washed me whiter than the snow.”

A smile flashed on Gate-man’s face

“Yes! Enter in! Come to your place!”

And now attention turned to me;

My body thrilled expectantly.

I waited as the gate-man smiled

Looked at his book, and said “My child

Your life is clear! Be of great cheer!

Come in, welcome, we know you here!”

I thrilled; I could’ve sang for joy!

I’d lived my life to see this day!

My stand for Christ in life on earth

Was known in Heav’n! What cause for mirth!

Before I’d time to enter in

A man came running from within

He thrust some money in my hand;

“Dimes, quarters? I don’t understand.”

But wait – this shiny currency

‘Twas not American! Oh, me!

Their words inscribed I read with awe:

This was not paltry change at all!

“Ten million”, not a dime, it said!

Each coin the same, in millions read

I looked up, puzzled, so the man

Began to help me understand.

“This is the first of much reward

That you have here in Heaven stored!

I have been sent with this foretaste,

To say your life was not a waste.”

I then recalled the little boy

Whose fee I’d payed for, and his joy

It all sunk in: the things I’ve done

Are repaid here, million for one!

Excitedly, I entered in,

To see my Jesus and begin

Exploring all in store for me

In glorious Eternity.

And then I woke – it was a dream.

I rubbed my eyes; so real it seemed!

And then I thrilled; oh, for the day

When Heav’n will rinse earth’s cares away!

And every thing I sacrificed

Will be repaid for by my Christ.

He sees it all! He sent this dream

To boost me, give my eyes a gleam.

Maybe He sent it for you, too

Though but a dream, its picture’s true

For in the Kingdom Jesus rules

The ones who lose to gain aren’t fools.

God sees us every day we live;

What things we choose, and how we give

When we arrive at Heaven’s door

May our clear lives have gone before!

Will we be those whose lives are known

And cheered for, around Heaven’s Throne?

Oh, let me live more faithfully

Until the day when faith shall “see”!

HNR

3.16.17

At the time I had this dream I had been struggling with who I am/how God sees me; this dream gave and gives me fresh courage and confidence to keep living each of these precious days for HIM, knowing that as I do, I am known in Heaven and will be unashamed when I reach The Gates!

A Bit About This Blog

I chose “A Wonder-Full Perspective” as the label for this collection of writings because having a childlike heart of wonder in our awesome God whose ways and thoughts are bigger than ours has been a desire for me for most of my walk with the Lord. I feel like this attitude of simple faith and “wonder” is something I have to work hard to snuggle into comfortably, often feeling it fits me like a silk glove on a two-toed sloth. But it’s becoming more natural. One of my incentives for beginning to write here is the belief that God will use this effort of giving Him my “pen” (or keyboard, as the case may be) to help me to become more childlike in my wonder of Him and His ways.  It’s so easy on the journey through this life to become bogged down with the Enemy’s voices and cynical ideas. I want to be one of the voices that chooses not to be silent but declares that no matter what it looks like right now, we shall see the goodness of the Lord, both in this “land of the living” and in the celestial land of the truly alive! (See Psalm 27:13) I hope that you, whoever you are, will read these writings and find your heart lifted a little closer towards our Abba Father and His good heart for us.