Wondering

I wonder…what it would be like to have lived a life without any pain, darkness; what it would be like to never have had tragedy’s black streak catapult across my life. I wonder…what it would be like to never have had my firstborn son be taken moments after leaving my womb away, away, far-far-away to a place where I cannot visit even when my heart is breaking with longing. I wonder what I would be like...

I wonder….what it would be like to go through this pregnancy I’m in right now without the tormenting emotions of self-doubt screaming,

“MAYBE YOU CAN’T DO THIS LIKE OTHER NORMAL WOMEN CAN! Maybe your womb is the contradiction of all things motherly and nurturing and will dump this little child too! Maybe your womb will refuse to carry your precious child before she can breathe or open her eyes on her own! Perhaps ‘incompetent, insufficient woman’ is a better name for you.” 

Oh, I wonder what it would be like to live without ever knowing the haunting of those ugly, ubiquitous thoughts… I wonder what it would be like to carry and give birth to children without a second thought as to your own competence and ability to do what every woman has been unmistakably made to do... I wonder.

I wonder what it would be like to have perfect health and never ever need to wonder if today you will feel strong and capable or if some little stress will overload you and you’ll end up melted on the couch, a weeping, confused and overwhelmed puddle of humanity.

I wonder…what it would be like to hear the happy twittering of summer birdsongs and not feel a pang of weeping loss that a darling little son so much like your husband is not there to giggle in the joy of the moment with you. I wonder…what it would be like to have had the desire of my heart completely fulfilled and our family on earth begun with the boy I longed for. I wonder what it would be like now, to watch him trying to take his first steps, crawling around my house, tasting watermelon and strawberries and pumpkins for the first time, making his daddy and I bubble over with sheer joy at his little accomplishments. I wonder.

I wonder…what it would be like to have no one in our little family already in heaven. No one already there to be ready to welcome us…home… I wonder how we would find time to look forward to all that Jesus is preparing for us in heaven if we didn’t have such a precious treasure living there already. I wonder how the ‘things that are above’ would lose their tangibility if we didn’t have a family member enjoying them this very moment.  And what it would be like to have never experienced the intense longing to see with my own eyes the comforting, contagiously victorious expression on the face of Jesus that can only be experienced through intense loss and grief? I wonder…what it would be like to face the future in the deficit of experiencing intense tribulation which in process of day after day, week after month after year gave the hard-earned gift (yes, GIFT) of patience.

I wonder what it would be like to be so strong in my own physical strength that I would never have even had the opportunity to feel desperately dependent upon the nature and resources of my God. I wonder what it would be like to mother a little girl without ever having gone through the pain of losing a child which gives you the gift of treasuring little children oh, so much more… I wonder what it would be like to become a mother without God having spoken over and over, in simple straightforward talk, that HE is the One that needs to be competent here and I am the one who has all I need in HIM alone… I wonder.

What do you wonder?